Look (and wait) for Mama

I was reading someone's blog on how she trained her children and I recalled 2 separate incidents which I really should blog for posterity. Not very lucid at almost 5am in the morning, but well, I must write it down now (prepare for a lengthy piece).

Today, we went to Forum with Megan's Monday-playgroup. The 2 other boys fell asleep shortly after lunch and were parked in their strollers, leaving the moms to have their cuppa and 1 free helper to look after Megan. Irene's helper has just started working for her family not too long (probably 2 weeks) and Megan doesn't mind this new ka-kak (she takes very well to new faces, and seems to understand that ka-kak's job is to babysit her while the mommies drink coffee).

Aunty Irene very kindly 'loaned' her helper to Megan and there was an adult to watch her and amuse her while the other adults TALK. Megan doesn't get excited when I meet up with my friends cos what we do is drink and talk, and talk and talk, but the talk doesn't involve her. Nor does she understand or appreciate our conversation topics. But I must give her credit-she has grown from "妈妈，不要讲话“ to tolerating our lengthy chats a little more (now she will 'permit' mama to talk for a good 30min-1hr before she decided that I should turn my attention bac.k to her).

Ok, back to my story: mommies talking, Irene's helper took Megan out of Spinelli's for a walk,. or more accurately, was told to follow my little one who was wandering in and out of the cafe (frequently popping into DKNY). I kept a lookout for them to make sure they are in our sight cos I am not sure of the new helper. Just when I thought I could trust the maid with Megan (got her to help with changing a wet diaper and she 'passed' the test), Megan came running back to us and told me "每每自己回来，ka-kak 没有带我" (or was it "ka-kak 没有回来“） But you get the drift.

I asked Megan "ka-kak 在那里“, she replied "ka-kak去toilet". We (Irene and I) looked out of the cafe for maid, and true enough, no maid in sight. I think Irene was probably more worried than me and stepped out to look for her helper. Maid was just coming out of the ladies when Irene walked out to search for missing maid. I saw from my seat in the cafe, a frantic looking maid, trying to look for my daughter. Strangely, I wasn't mad. Infact, I was quietly pleased that Megan had acquired good spatial intelligence which I had always wanted her to, and could find her way back to the cafe (in a new mall on top of all!) I was also very comforted she understood and knew that I MUST be the point of reference and she must always look for mama and go back to mama.

Learning Points:

• Teach your child to know where you will be (in any environment outside home) and train her to constantly look for mama. We play a game of Q&A: I will call out "Megan, where are you" (or in chinese) and Megan has to answer in a shout of "Yeah" or "Em" or "Megan". This has served us well when she refuses to be in the same cubicle as me in the public toilet (she said its too stinky).
• Tell yourself not to place 100% trust any other form of help (even your own helper-this 'amendment' has been cleared, as proposed by the DAD, another story on helper and circle of trust in a separate entry) You must be the main point of reference and the main caregiver wherever possible. Remember that they wont feel your anxiety as a parent. Should anything happens, its at most guilt which will hit the assigned helper. Not very helpful right?
  

When I related this story to my husband, he almost flipped and told me off "How can you trust her with someone'e maid, I told you before right? bla-blah" He totally missed my point of trying to illustrate how capable Megan is at navigating her own way back, albeit the cafe and toilet is a couple of metres apart, approx 2 shop units' lenght.

Then again, on hindsight, a couple of metres could have been something like 20m+ ? And husband probably did have a valid concern as Megan is only 2yo and most toddlers her age would still be strapped in their strollers instead of roaming around in the malls by themselves. Which I won't want to forbid so long as we keep her in our line of vision. I kinda want her to know that she could likely get lost if she isn't gonna check on us from time to time and let her develop a better spatial understanding of her environment. Perhaps one day she will really get lost (or should I say I lose sight of her) and then perhaps thats another lesson learnt? Cruel you think ? I dunno really, but that brings me to part 2 of this entry.

Megan gets all excited when we leave the house, esp when she knows we are heading somewhere (instead of the usual daily trip to my grandma's place). I have taught her to put on her shoes and get her bag (should she feel like bringing one) before we leave the house. I have also taught her that we need to wait at the lift lobby for the lift to come, and you need to press the button to call for the lift. She can reach for the lift buttons and I get her to "help mama" to call for the lift. I forgotten to add that she MUST NOT ENTER the lift without me or the father.

Here goes: All 3 of us were going out, I think we promised her the playground at the next block and it was probably a Sunday as the dad was free. Lyndon was trying to get all the bags and lock up while I stepped out of the house with Megan (which is the routine: mama takes care of M, papa locks up and take our bags). Then I suddenly remembered I forgotten something (which I cant recall to save my life what was so important then). So I went back into the house to grab what I wanted and Lyndon was still trying to fiddle with his bags and waiting for me to get out so that he could lock up. All this while, we left Megan at the lift landing, waiting for us. Which none of us thought was UNSAFE. Till ...

I stepped out, called for Megan, and saw that she was entering a lift, ALL ON HER OWN ! By the time I ran to the lift, the doors SHUT and next few seconds/minutes were filled with the most heart-wrenching cries you could imagine "妈妈!!!!!" And I could hear it as the lift was descending. My head was empty- I could only think "ok, please god, no one call for lift on other floors, else I wont know which storey she may end up should the doors open". Then it was "run mama, run" And I ran as fast as my legs could carry me to level 1, hearing her cries as I ran down each floor. I was thinking that at least I could hold her in my arms when the doors opened at level 1, revealing a frightened child.

If Lyndon ever reads this blog, I will like to give him a BIG hug and say "Thanks You Daddy!" for THINKING. Instead of running down to level 1 like a stupid me, he stayed on our floor and called for the lift (and at least one of us was thinking enough to stay put for Megan should the doors open at our floor and she can't see either parents. I really thought he would have ran down as fast as I did with me). So you guessed it, when I was at level 1, no lift, no Megan, the lift has gone back up. So I went up again (I took the other lift though, no way I was gonna beat the lift at climbing 9 storeys). Daddy was carrying Megan, all tears, totally terrified and upset. I took over and apologised profusely and hugged her really tight. I was almost in tears you know, but I knew I had to be strong cos I had to explain all this to her after she calmed down (so no time for mommy-tears or fears).

I told her we would be going off to the playground now and everything is alright cos papa and mama are both with her. She stopped shortly (it didn't take too long for her to calm down, thank god!). Then while we were waiting for the lift, we told her that she could press for the lift as always, but she MUST NOT enter the lift without either of us. And to make our point really CLEAR, we modified it to "你要等妈妈才可以进去 OK?" (you must wait for mama before you enter the lift ok?) And we practised a little. I stepped into the lift first, then we told her she could go in.

For some days after this one episode of lift-scare, I realised that she would wait at the landing but will not press the lift button. It took Megan a while before she would call for the lifts again. But she has learnt well since then. Now, she will shout for me if the lift is here and I am still fiddling with the door and our bags and tell me "妈妈快点,电梯要走了,快点 !" She gets a little upset if I cannot get ready in time for the lift she has called for, but I explained to her that it will come again if we call for it once more. It took several practices, and she is now ok with missing the lift she has called for.

Learning Points:

• I am getting a little tired to really pen something readable. But what I am trying to say is TEACH lifeskills. I am recalling a mom I met recently who asked about what I teach my toddler. I say all sorts of practical skills (she is a glen doman, shichida mommy). She asked me what's Montessori when I told her my activities are 'Montessori-inspired', and shared a story about a friend of hers who had enrolled the child in an expensive montessori school, only to pull the child out after scolding the teacher/school for teaching her kid how to sweep the floor. I teach Megan how to sweep, mop, throw trash into bins, cut paper, water our plants, change the rabbits' litter, feed them, serve people drinks. And call for lifts :)